Towards the Middle...
Bought two camels STOP send money STOP end transmission
(this is an email Russell sent to me regarding our winter camel trip through Israel)
Your Honourable Mr. Alm,
This letter is to inform you that I, Russell Kohn, have traveled many hours to the other side of the world with the purpose of making inquiries regarding the purchase of two (2) single hump camels from the Bedouin peoples of Southern Judea. Arriving in Beersheba, a former Turkish stronghold captured by the Right Honourable British in the year of our lord 1917, I wandered aimlessly for sixty (60) minutes with no particular purpose other than to investigate whether this location might be to your liking as a "jumping off place," if you will, for your (our) caravan through the desert. I found that while this highly militarized, northern desert town is dirty and filled with Russians, it would suit your (our) purposes nicely. While smoking a
bowl of tobacco out of a Nargilah, I inquired from the Palestinean proprietors of that there shop what they thought of the plan. I was much dismayed to discover they thought two (2) single hump camels from the Bedouin peoples of Southern Judea might cost us as much as twenty thousand (20,000) New Israeli Shekels apiece. This would amount to about four thousand, four hundred, fourty four dollars and fourty four cents. This price being wholly outside the range we had expected, I was much dismayed. After listening to the shop proprietors prattle on and on for thirty (30) minutes about how much they loved America (including an odd moment when he opened the local newspaper to a picture of our dear friend Osama and talked about how much craziness -- or confusion, depending on translation -- he had caused back in the States) I left the shop weeping into my hands.
But rest assured, my dear friend: I didn't lose heart. The next morning, I arose from bed soon after sunrise and strolled to the weekly Bedouin market just to the south of town. After talking to a couple of people, I came upon a nice, elderly Bedouin gentleman carrying the moniker "Salman" who told me in respectable English about his "seven (7) sons, forty (40) horses, twenty (20) camels and three (3) wives." This surely, I mused to myself, would be a man who would be willing to sell a camel! And maybe he'd even throw in a wife or a daughter (for you, perhaps a son) to sweeten the deal! I inquired, and he was quick to invite me to his "tent for coffee and tea; Stay one week! Stay two weeks! No problem!" I begged off on the offer, but pressed my question, to which he responded that just because he and I were such good friends, he'd offer me a special price for his nicest camel: Three Hundred (300) American Dollars. I asked whether he might accept the fee in solid gold buillion, and after a bit of thought he agreed.
This is the point where I hope you will not become angry with me: I decided that if we are going to ride across the desert, we will need food to eat. "How does the native Bedouin feed himself while travelling in the desert," I asked myself. Perhaps he has cannibalistic tendencies? My friend Salman assured me not. Perhaps he has discovered a machine that can sand into sandwiches? After in-depth inquiries, I could find no hint of the existence of such a machine. Well, my good man, what does he do, then: He herds sheep and goats, which can be slaughtered and roasted over a fire-pit in the heart of the desert.
Therefore, I asked Salman where I might find some sheep and goats to purchase for the purpose of herding them towards the Gulf of Aqaba on our journey. "There," he said, pointing south towards a small group of cars and pickup trucks across a small river bed. "There you can buy all the sheep and goats you need."
"Shuqran," I replied, and I promised to collect my camels from him once my herd was gathered.
Across the river bed, I found a bustling gathering of approximately seventy-five (75) Bedouin men and about five (5) times that many sheep and goats. After much consideration, I decided that between the two of us, being Right Honourable Gentlemen, we would consume approximately one (1) goat per day during our journey. Therefore, I purchased for us nine (9) goats -- eight (8) for the trip and one for the plane ride home -- at a price of Seventy-five (75) American Dollars per head.
All necessary arrangements have been arranged for our journey. At the moment, I am residing in Jerusalem, awaiting your arrival. Please respond with a telegram addressed to "Sir Russell Kohn" at the "Main Judean Post Office" in Jerusalem. The indigenous peoples should have little difficulty locating me.
Your humble servant,
Sir Russell Jay Kohn
Reply:
Dearest Russell Jay Kohn,
I am pleased to hear my investment in your journey has proven fruitful. I had feared our lack of communication as of late would jeopardize the mission, however, your initiative is obviously an invaluable asset.
I am sending you Seven Hundred and Thirty (730) American Dollars to be used prior to my arrival on the aforementioned camel and goat purchases. I will be ending my academic studies morrow next an will be venturing to the middle of the east by early winter. Please let me know if the initial funds provided are sufficient for sustaining you till then.
Godspeed,
-Count Michael Ritchie of Alm-
(I will post an update on what I have been up to soon, have been really busy lately)
Your Honourable Mr. Alm,
This letter is to inform you that I, Russell Kohn, have traveled many hours to the other side of the world with the purpose of making inquiries regarding the purchase of two (2) single hump camels from the Bedouin peoples of Southern Judea. Arriving in Beersheba, a former Turkish stronghold captured by the Right Honourable British in the year of our lord 1917, I wandered aimlessly for sixty (60) minutes with no particular purpose other than to investigate whether this location might be to your liking as a "jumping off place," if you will, for your (our) caravan through the desert. I found that while this highly militarized, northern desert town is dirty and filled with Russians, it would suit your (our) purposes nicely. While smoking a
bowl of tobacco out of a Nargilah, I inquired from the Palestinean proprietors of that there shop what they thought of the plan. I was much dismayed to discover they thought two (2) single hump camels from the Bedouin peoples of Southern Judea might cost us as much as twenty thousand (20,000) New Israeli Shekels apiece. This would amount to about four thousand, four hundred, fourty four dollars and fourty four cents. This price being wholly outside the range we had expected, I was much dismayed. After listening to the shop proprietors prattle on and on for thirty (30) minutes about how much they loved America (including an odd moment when he opened the local newspaper to a picture of our dear friend Osama and talked about how much craziness -- or confusion, depending on translation -- he had caused back in the States) I left the shop weeping into my hands.
But rest assured, my dear friend: I didn't lose heart. The next morning, I arose from bed soon after sunrise and strolled to the weekly Bedouin market just to the south of town. After talking to a couple of people, I came upon a nice, elderly Bedouin gentleman carrying the moniker "Salman" who told me in respectable English about his "seven (7) sons, forty (40) horses, twenty (20) camels and three (3) wives." This surely, I mused to myself, would be a man who would be willing to sell a camel! And maybe he'd even throw in a wife or a daughter (for you, perhaps a son) to sweeten the deal! I inquired, and he was quick to invite me to his "tent for coffee and tea; Stay one week! Stay two weeks! No problem!" I begged off on the offer, but pressed my question, to which he responded that just because he and I were such good friends, he'd offer me a special price for his nicest camel: Three Hundred (300) American Dollars. I asked whether he might accept the fee in solid gold buillion, and after a bit of thought he agreed.
This is the point where I hope you will not become angry with me: I decided that if we are going to ride across the desert, we will need food to eat. "How does the native Bedouin feed himself while travelling in the desert," I asked myself. Perhaps he has cannibalistic tendencies? My friend Salman assured me not. Perhaps he has discovered a machine that can sand into sandwiches? After in-depth inquiries, I could find no hint of the existence of such a machine. Well, my good man, what does he do, then: He herds sheep and goats, which can be slaughtered and roasted over a fire-pit in the heart of the desert.
Therefore, I asked Salman where I might find some sheep and goats to purchase for the purpose of herding them towards the Gulf of Aqaba on our journey. "There," he said, pointing south towards a small group of cars and pickup trucks across a small river bed. "There you can buy all the sheep and goats you need."
"Shuqran," I replied, and I promised to collect my camels from him once my herd was gathered.
Across the river bed, I found a bustling gathering of approximately seventy-five (75) Bedouin men and about five (5) times that many sheep and goats. After much consideration, I decided that between the two of us, being Right Honourable Gentlemen, we would consume approximately one (1) goat per day during our journey. Therefore, I purchased for us nine (9) goats -- eight (8) for the trip and one for the plane ride home -- at a price of Seventy-five (75) American Dollars per head.
All necessary arrangements have been arranged for our journey. At the moment, I am residing in Jerusalem, awaiting your arrival. Please respond with a telegram addressed to "Sir Russell Kohn" at the "Main Judean Post Office" in Jerusalem. The indigenous peoples should have little difficulty locating me.
Your humble servant,
Sir Russell Jay Kohn
Reply:
Dearest Russell Jay Kohn,
I am pleased to hear my investment in your journey has proven fruitful. I had feared our lack of communication as of late would jeopardize the mission, however, your initiative is obviously an invaluable asset.
I am sending you Seven Hundred and Thirty (730) American Dollars to be used prior to my arrival on the aforementioned camel and goat purchases. I will be ending my academic studies morrow next an will be venturing to the middle of the east by early winter. Please let me know if the initial funds provided are sufficient for sustaining you till then.
Godspeed,
-Count Michael Ritchie of Alm-
(I will post an update on what I have been up to soon, have been really busy lately)
posted by Michael at 2:12 PM
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